It had been many a month since I put finger to keyboard to write one of my blogs and so I have decided to try again to convey the agony and ecstasy of the life of an actor.
Today I had a meeting with Barney (my agent), we had lots of things to discuss such as my idea for a series of one man passion plays to be performed around the country from an ice cream van. However he thought it may look as if I was an ice-cream man having a nervous breakdown. I could see his point but I still think it is a good idea and I will be developing it further with my friend Barrington Dab, who is a lousy actor but a fantastic director. Sadly he seems to think he is brilliant at both, I'll not tell him if you don't.
My personal life is going from strength to strength with Sebastian III proving himself to be the best houseboy I have ever had. Every morning he wakes me up with freshly squeezed orange juice and a boiled egg. Sebastian and Sebastian II failed to do this, which is why I let them go but Sebastian III seems to be a keeper.
Now while I'm on the subject of my houseboys, I wish to scotch the obscene rumours that have been going around about me in that regard. My relationship with these young men is purely platonic, mainly because they won't let it be anything else but really because these boys are my employees and I hold a duty of care to them while they are in the country. These boys are my rocks. They run my various websites and social networking accounts and ensure that I am on time for appointments, without them I am adrift in a sea of Emails, Faxes, Telexes and cards from telephone boxes. So the next time you hear some salacious gossip about me, remember it is all lies.
Dum der der der der de da! I have an announcement to make.
I am very excite to tell you that I have a new website out. Sadly I have to share it with my chum Barrington Dab but you can't have everything. The website is located on the world wide web internet at http://www.dabandtench.co.uk and it contains things about me and Dab. Well, mostly things about me, Dab has pawned his laptop so can't sent Sebastian III anything about himself until he's raised the money. I could help him of course but I have my own problems at the moment. What with the recession and a tit in Downing Street. Also my chain of adult shops has takes a hit with the surfeit if free erotica squirting onto the internet. Bad times my friends, bad times.
Hells bells, is that the time? I must leave you. I have a casting for a lager advert shortly so need to rehearse my laddish cockney oaf.
Goodbye my darlings.