Saturday, 21 May 2011


Am never drinking again. Apparently while I was dying with the phone off the hook yesterday, Barney tried to ring and tell me that I'd got the part in the Sugarwheat advert. Seems that Jamie Oliver has got his other half up the duff and wants to spend more time with the foetus. The bastard fucking thing was, they wanted to start filming yesterday evening. Well there goes another break, guess who got it? Well guess! Bloody Paul Ross! They waved a pound coin in his face and he leapt at the chance to dress as a sugared wheat fragment, twat.
After receiving the tragic news this morning I retired to my bed in the vain hope that nothing else would go wrong, I'd been tossing for a while when the phone rang, it was Barney again, seems that Michael Malonie is putting on an experimental production of a new play called "Stuff the government" which was written by Billy Bragg and some pleb called Reggie Hatstaff, I mean, what kind of name is Reggie in this day and age he sounds like a gangster.

After showering and dressing, I went to meet Michael - as he bade me call him - in the Groucho Club. After an hour of demanding to be let in and bathing the wounds inflicted by the Concierge, I was shown to my table and awaited Michael's arrival. To steady my nerves I had a couple of Vodkas, well, four or five actually. After about another hour Michael arrived with believe it or not Billy Bragg. I couldn't believe it, Billy Bragg in the Groucho!. Michael seemed to detect my surprise, and said " Oh sorry forgot to tell you that Billy would be joining us, hope you don't mind." At this point I felt every sip of the vodka I'd just drunk hit my brain. "No, ssis play after all he can do what he wants" I said less than eloquently. "Right" said Michael. "Hurgh," said I. Then Billy piped up. "I 'ate these elitist institutions usually but he wouldn't let me meet you in the Dog & Bone." I felt myself redden. "Erm dog and bone phone, right, fuck!" At this point I'd fallen off my chair and head butted a waiter in the testicles, he writhed in agony while trying to save face I asked him for another vodka.

"Right let's get down to it love"
"Don't fucking call me love you Bourgeois parasite"
"Not you darling was talking to Jeremy"

The waiter dabbed the front of my Gaultier jacket I'd got residue from the Bloody Mary the waiter was carrying all over the front of it. Looked as if I'd been in a terrible accident, in fact several new arrival were seen to start and let out a gasp at the site of this bloodstained apparition being tended to by a buckled waiter with tears running down his cheeks.

"Right Micheal am so sorry think I've got a virus or something" He looked at me unconvinced. "Yes dear, Robert Stephens used to get the same virus most days," and I reddened more and took a large glug of the Vodka the waiter had just handed me.

Then without warning Billy leaned over and said "See that girl over there, look at the jugs on that." I looked over at a long legged blond girl who was just ordering a drink from the bar. "I'd shoot in her face eh!" I couldn't help myself it just crept out I opened my mouth and said "Urgh!" He seemed non plussed at this and cried "Oh fuck sorry mate I didn't realise you were a poof" Michael smiled patted my leg and said "Of course he is, he was shagging Jack Muscovites last month in LA, it was all over the US press, right lets order I'm starving"

"Oh, I don't buy newspapers," said Billy. "Anyway, I want to tell you about this new project. What I want to do is do a tribute to the greatest leader this country has ever had."

"Winston Churchill," I said while dabbing at my lapel with the table cloth.

"Do me a favour!" He exclaimed and pulled his guitar out of its case. "I mean Margaret Thatcher, the tender goddess whose like we'll never see again."

Then he started to play a song.

Oh Maggie, we love you.
Love, lovey, love you...

At this point I stood up and punched Bragg on the chin and he stopped playing and began sobbing into his prawn cocktail.

The rest of the dinner went without much more pantomime, apparently Michael sees my part as the hub around which the wheel of the entire play is woven, I made a comment that I didn't think that they wove wheels around hubs or some such and he said that I should try and get something for the virus.

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